Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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