I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
