I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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