So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wear drunk well.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
