My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
