It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
