If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
