Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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