I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
