the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
