I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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