I heard we made out
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize