I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
