she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
