Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
