I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My hand turned me down
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
