I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
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