And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
