Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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