I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
