DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My feet surprised me
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