you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
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