I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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