found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
