I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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