24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
