Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
