Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
