I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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