I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
