Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
