Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Randomize
