So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
