Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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