I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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