My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
