It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
