wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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