I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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