Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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