I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
