my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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