Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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