You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the condom got lost in my hair
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
