Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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