dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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