I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
