Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
