I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i think i just naturally attract stoners
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
