my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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