Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
