its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dear god my vagina.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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