if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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