He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
